So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
