I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
