They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
