i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
