i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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