True but thats because hes a fetus.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Houston, we have a squirter
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
