If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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