hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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