We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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