You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize