why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
