My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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