This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
