so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
