Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
