btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need to align my fucking chakras
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
