I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
