You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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