My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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