On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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