I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
