And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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