She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
