Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want nice things and good sex
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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