Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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