I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
