My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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