I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We had sex on a dog bed..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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