i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
