he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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