If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
