you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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