She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
