New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
