Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
