I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
All the doctor said was why
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
