at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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