Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
