I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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