I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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