You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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