I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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