My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
