Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
