you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
