Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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