You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
