I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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