There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
