I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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