my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
