Screwed.edu
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
