Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
