Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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