never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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