do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
