I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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